Thanks so much, Beth, for such a thoughtful comment. Yes, we definitely don’t have enough information to really know how best to support Oliver and his mother and help him be successful. We would need to really explore the multiple factors that could be contributing to his struggles at child care. Further assessment seems very appropriate. It’s easy to “assume” that the problem is related to his mom’s parenting style and beliefs, but that kind of thinking could hurt our relationship with her and limit how we support her and Oliver. It is certainly possible that there are other factors as you suggested. I’m glad you pointed this out!

I appreciate what you shared about how it feels to be in Oliver’s mom’s shoes too. It’s so important for EI practitioners to be aware of their feelings (and biases) and keep their minds open to all of the available info and possibilities for how to support a family. I hope readers will check out the resources you shared. Thank you!

There is not enough information in the blog post to know whether the IFSP team has observed Oliver at the child care center or whether the team has been working with the child care workers to understand causes of the challenging behavior or whether the team is aware of the many factors that contribute to challenging behaviors. As Mona Delahooke, Ph. D., Psychologist has written, we should think of behaviors we observe as the “tip of the iceberg and all the potential reasons for the behaviors as the larger chunk underneath. For young children, underlying reasons for challenging behaviors include sensory, motor, cognitive, language and emotional distress, among many others”. (Mona’s Blog – Ain’t Misbehavin: Understanding Behavior from the Inside Out. January 26, 2016, https://www.monadelahooke.com/aint-misbehavin-viewing-challenging-behaviors-from-the-inside-out/) In this blog, Dr. Delahooke recommends that children be given the benefit of the doubt. Though we may be inclined to label their behavior as willful, children have an innate desire to please, AND the cause of the challenging behavior may have nothing to do with motives we are assuming. She also recommends that we prioritize loving relationships as the foundation for regulation of emotions and behaviors. Warm, positive emotions support all learning and development. Which brings me to the discipline question. Discipline means “to teach”. It is really important that everyone on the early intervention team understand what discipline is appropriate for young children. Some of the most popular forms of discipline, time out and consequences not only do not teach missing skills, but that are ineffective in addressing challenging behavior that is a result of sensory processing differences, lagging social emotional skills, delayed cognitive skills, etc. They can also interfere with children’s relationships with parents (and other adults) and their feeling of safety and security.

As a parent of children/grandchild with challenging behaviors I immediately identified with Oliver’s mother and felt that she was being judged by the EI provider. Parenting a child who has challenging behaviors is exhausting physically and emotionally. A lot of energy is spent trying to understand the source of the misbehaviors, then figure out effective strategies, then figure out why some strategies work sometimes and not other times. Any hint that we are to blame for the child’s problems is a stab to the heart. We already entertain insecurities about whether we’ve searched enough, tried enough, been consistent enough, etc. Meanwhile we are exhausted and worried. So, I think the suggestions about pausing and reflecting, and asking for more information from Oliver’s mother about her beliefs, his behaviors, and her goals are all good. Regarding information about social-emotional development, I would recommend that the entire team review in depth the new book by Mona Delahooke, Social and Emotional Development in Early Intervention; A Skills Guide for Working with Children. I would tell Oliver’s mom that the team wants to be sure we are doing everything we can to support Oliver and her; that this new resource has become available and we will be using it to help us. I might even obtain a copy for her so she is a part of this process. The other thing I would recommend is assessments related to the challenging behaviors (such as an OT assessment to see if there are sensory issues).